im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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