im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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