i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
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