Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
