You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
two words...techno handjob
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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