I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
