Just fell off a train. Bad.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
