Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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