HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
