party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
