Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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