I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
