I am in a vortex of obligation.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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