dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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