my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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