Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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