M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize