Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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