God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We have so much sex to catch up on
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
