Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize