the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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