his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
