He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
