I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
