apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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