I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Ketchup is God's man juice
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
