GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He passed out mid-signature
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
