Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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