i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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