She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
