I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
