No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
