Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
