Soap is not a condiment
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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