I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
