so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
