I should be sponsored by Trojan
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
