I think I just saw someone hide a body.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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