Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
