Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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