ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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