I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
