I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
