I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
