god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I could fuck to npr.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
