Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
