Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
we're so committed to being not committed
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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