i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I am midnight drunk by noon
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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