i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I want to fling myself into the sun
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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