the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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