I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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