if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
