She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
