i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
